Thank you for visiting my Mental Health Tips
page. Please feel free to leave me a
note with topic suggestions.Mental Health Tips
Getting Started with a Counselor
Promoting Self Esteem in Children Impacted by Divorce
Find a counselor that is familiar working with people that have the concerns/problems that you have. If you plan to use your insurance contact them beforehand and ask if that counselor is on their provider list. Sometimes insurance covers providers that are not on their list but at a different rate. If you do not have insurance or decide not to use it, you can often work out a schedule for your appointments that meets your budget i.e. every other week instead of weekly sessions. Your relationship with your counselor is an important one. The more comfortable you are with your counselor the more likely you will feel safe to open up and work on issues/problems that have been uncomfortable to deal with. Feel free to contact a number of counselors and meet with a few before choosing one. It is common for people to do so and the counselors will not be offended that you are looking for the best match for yourself. [Top of Page]
Setting realistic goals is essential for successfully reaching them. Do not expect yourself to make drastic changes overnight. Strive for 10 to 20 percent improvements in certain areas. Perhaps you would like to spend more one to one time with your children. Instead of planning to spend several hours two times a week, maybe a half hour every other night or twice a week would more realistically fit into your schedule. You will benefit from reaching goals that are set realistically and are obtainable for the long term. You can always continue to increase or decrease activities periodically. Typically, it is more likely to be a lasting change if assimilated gradually. [Top of page]
Remind your child that the separation/divorce was not his/her fault. Let them know there was nothing they could have done to prevent it. You will need to remind them at various times as they are egocentric and tend to think whatever happens they caused it. The younger they are the more likely they are to blame themselves.
Encourage your child to have and express his/her feelings about the divorce. They may not have the same feelings as you; anger, etc or they may have similar feelings but for different reasons. It will be helpful for your child to feel that his/her feelings are acceptable to you, i.e. sadness in missing the other parent. Providing them with a neutral adult to confide in; a relative, counselor, or neighbor can be helpful.
Part of your child’s self esteem is related to his feelings about both his/her parents. Putdowns of the other parent are felt as putdowns of the child as he/she is a product of both parents. Empathizing with their feelings of frustration, confusion, and anger concerning the other parent’s interactions with your child is more helpful. In some situations it becomes necessary to provide the child with a more appropriate role model.
Keep your child out of the middle of arguments between you and your ex. The better the communication between the adults the less the child will be recruited into conflicts. Having other adults to confide in will decrease your need to confide in your child.
Allow your child to remain in the role of being a child. Give only age appropriate responsibilities; again, obtain support from other adults in order not to rely too heavily on your child.
Continue to set the usual limits; maintain rules as much as possible to provide continuity, structure, and security for your child. This will help to ensure that you remain in the role of the parent and reduce confusion at such a tumultuous time.
It is helpful for your child to feel welcome in both parents homes. Having a specific place and some of his/her possessions in each home is conducive of their feeling at home in both places.
Try to minimize changes at this time. For instance being able to remain in the same school can be very helpful in providing continuity during such an upsetting and confusing experience. Your child’s post-divorce adjustment will be mostly affected by a) the degree of ongoing conflict between the parents, b) The ability of the custodial parent or the one doing the majority of the parenting to get back on their feet again and resume parenting effectively, c) the child maintaining a relationship with both parents (all things being equal). [Top of page]
Thank you for visiting my Mental Health Tips
page. Please feel free to leave me a
note with topic suggestions.